I'm Prepared To Declare a Winner

I have contacted all the people that live in a Super Tuesday state that are in my cell and have tallied their votes. I am now prepared to declare a winner of the 2008 Republican and Democrat Primaries:

The Democratic delegates from the great state of Missouri have gone to Obama with 100% of the votes. And on the Republican side? Well I didn't talk to any registered Republicans from Missouri. That won't stop me from declaring the state to Republican underdog Gov. Mike Huckabee. (Is that enough of an endorsement Mr. Norris? Will you please stop threatening bodily harm now?)

Now for Oklahoma. Of the respondents that are registered Democrats in this closed election state, only one said he would vote for Hillary Clinton. The others... Who am I kidding? I could only get a hold of one registered Democrat. The other Okies that took my call were Republicans, one Independent and one from a third party I had not heard of called "D.G.A.S." I didn't get enough information about this party, but I gathered the "D" stands for "Don't" and the "G" is for "Give." Beyond that it's any body's guess. On to the Republican side:

Respondents were split in four parts. 20% of the registered Republicans supported each of Romney, McCain and Huckabee. And 40% supported the sentiment that "McCain scares the crap out of me. Obama is probably going to win it and that'd be fine with me." So the only clear winner was McCain being kind of scary.

Do realize that these results are in no way scientific and reflect my opinion more than reality. Also realize that no poll is all that scientific and can be used to twist the truth.